well what is there to love ?

“i spend all my time trying to understand why people hurt those they love and why people hurt me or don’t care enough to hurt me even. but i always seem to ignore the shit i cause and stir up and ruin on nearly a daily basis by just being unhappy and confused. i spend so much time trying to decipher actions, trying to ignore my own mental state of disruption or confusion or whatever bullshit word that can be uttered to explain something that can’t be understood. it seems almost like human nature to try and discover everyone’s mind while ignoring your own. i am angry and frustrated and competitive for something i already have and would want to die without, i know you don’t approve but i feel that way. i have put all of this into you, i have put myself into you. i can never seem to wrap my mind around anything, i focus on a small detail and miss the big picture, fuck what even is the big picture? people always talk about seeing the bigger picture well what the hell is it, where is it. can they even see it? i can’t seem to find myself anymore, i can only find my problems. it’s not fair to feel this terrible while trying to experience the most beautiful thing in my life. it’s insane that i manage to ruin everything while loving you the most.”

“maybe that’s your problem, you shouldn’t love me the most. you should love yourself the most.”

I now know better than to depend on certain individuals. I should have already picked up the signs after being disappointed so many times before but for some reason, I had hope that they would prove me wrong. So here I am, kicking myself over for relying on people when I should have known better. You can’t always receive the same treatment that you put out and I realize that they have ‘other’ priorities that might differ from mine. Therefore, things are about to change quite drastically. Don’t ask me for anything, don’t rely on me, don’t even think about it. If you want to be selfish with your values, I will learn to be as well.

Thanks for everything (whatever that may be).

If someone wants to be apart of your life,
they'll make an effort to be in it
So don't bother reserving a space in your heart
For someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.