the truth

I have a serious problem with letting someone know that i care about them, or that i may be dependent on their affection.

In every relationship in my life i am in a constant power struggle, attempting to reserve my affection and hoard it. I don’t like to share, I don’t like to feel like I care more than the other person does.

So i wait around until they tell me that we are friends, until they say that we are close, until they deem our friendship meaningful in their lives,and i just play along.

I will never define what a relationship or a person means to me unless they do it first. I refuse to ever let myself make the first move.

I will never care about you more than you care about me, and if i do, that means that i can no longer have a relationship with you because i will need to sabotage it in order to keep myself from getting hurt.

I know that it is wrong, that it is selfish and counterproductive to my happiness and the growth of my heart,but that is the way it is, every conversation i am having with you, every plan i make with you i am constantly thinking about who holds the power.

So when i disappear for weeks on end it’s not because i am busy, it’s because i need to show myself that i can survive without you. I need to reestablish that i hold the power.,that i care less, that a couple of weeks without you is possible.

So there you have it,

why every relationship i have ever had fails. why i am so fucking difficult about everything, and why i am always so quick to disappear.

and frankly, i don’t see it changing any time soon.